Do You Want Happy Relationships? Love Yourself.
Here’s my big message today: You can only have happy relationships if you have happy self-love.
Your Heart Filled With Either
Self-Love Or Neediness
Imagine your heart to be an empty bottle.
But it’s not really empty. It’s actually filled with air.
In the same way, when a human heart doesn’t have self-love, it isn’t empty. It’s filled with neediness.
The air in the bottle is a symbol of neediness.
But if you pour water in it, it pushes air out of the bottle. The more water it has, the less air it has.
That water is self-love.
I believe the only solution to neediness is self-love.
If you learn to love yourself, you’ll push out neediness from your heart. The more you love yourself, the less neediness you have. The less you love yourself, the more neediness you have.
Would you know neediness if you saw it?
Do You Have Neediness?
Neediness, or a lack of self-love, is expressed in so many ways. Here are a few of them…
· Some, like me, become people-pleasers. They’ll be kind, gentle, and smile at everybody so they’ll be liked. Because their substitute for self-love is to be liked.
· Some achieve a lot, get good grades, and do great things. Because their substitute for self-love is to be admired.
· Some rebel, get angry, disobey, and reject everyone. Because they’re substitute to be loved is to receive attention.
· Some become victims of abuse. (Read my example later.)
As I said, I expressed my neediness in the first way—by becoming a good guy. All these years, people thought I was such a loving person. (I fooled you, didn’t I?)
But in reality, I wasn’t giving love; I was buying love.
I wasn’t giving love; I was giving neediness. Because you can only give what is in your heart.
Boy, was I miserable!
Because I lacked self-love, it was impossible to have a healthy, happy, relationship with others.
Let me tell you an extreme example…
The Need To Be Needed
Angela is married to her college sweetheart Marty.
But Marty is an alcoholic.
A few times a month, he comes home very drunk and beats Angela. He gives her a black eye. Slaps on the face. Bruises on the arm.
When he wakes up, he doesn’t even remember what he did.
Marty kneels down before a battered Angela and asks for forgiveness. He’s totally repentant and sobs like a baby.
But one or two weeks after, he gets drunk again and beats her up again. This insanity has been going on for seven years.
Many friends have told Angela to leave Marty. And she has. But Marty would find her and beg her to return. And out of love, she would return home—only to be beaten again.
But is it really out of love?
No. It’s neediness.
Specifically, the need to be needed.
Like me, Angela’s heart is filled with neediness, begging for love. Because she can’t find love, she mistakes being needed as love. And she finds it in her sick husband.
Angela’s neediness attracted Marty’s neediness. Two needy people needing each other. It was the perfect recipe for an unhappy marriage. (I’ll talk more about this later.)
I talked to Angela.
I told her the harsh truth, “You don’t really love her husband.”
“How could you say that?” she said, “That’s why I’ve stuck with him…”
“If you really loved him, and not needed him, you would have run away from him a long time ago and never went near him until he stopped drinking for at least 6 to 12 months. He doesn’t need gentle love. He needs tough love. Are you willing to give that?”
She closed her eyes and wept.
The Problem Of The Needy Heart
Remember this song by Basil Valdez? “It’s your smile, your face, your lips that I miss; your sweet little eyes that stare at me and make me say, I’ll be with you through all the way, ‘Cause it’s you, Who fills the emptiness in me…”
Lovely song. But here’s what I learned about relationships: An empty heart can only give emptiness. And emptiness is another word for neediness.
Have you heard this song by Barry Manilow? “You know I can’t smile without you, I can’t smile without You, I can’t laugh and I can’t sing, I’m findin’ it hard to do anything…”
I’ll be scared if I have a friend who can’t smile without me.
I’ll be scared if I have kids who can’t smile without me.
I’ll be scared if I have a wife who can’t smile without me.
Or have you heard this one by Mariah Carrey? “I can’t live if living is without you, I can’t live, I can’t live anymore…”
Beautiful song. But if you’re looking for a spouse, I strongly urge you to look for someone who can actually live without you—but who will choose to live with you—not because he needs you, but because he loves you.
But this isn’t that easy. Again, I must warn you: Neediness attracts neediness. A needy heart is naturally attracted to another needy heart. The reason is obvious. If you can’t get love, might as well get its counterfeit: neediness.
That’s why some women are jerk magnets. They’re attracted to bad guys because they need to be needed.
The only solution? Replace neediness with self-love.
Because you can only have healthy relationships if you have healthy self-love.
Five Ways Of Filling Your Heart
With Self-Love
Let me share with you the five powerful ways of how to fill your heart with self-love. I’ve tried them. They work marvellously.
Many relationships are suffering right now because of neediness. When you learn to love yourself, your relationships will be freed from neediness. And your relationships with become so much happier.
But I must warn you: Five is a big number. You won’t remember them all. What I want you to do is choose one thing that you believe God wants you to do today. Just one!
Here they are:
1. Believe in your own worthiness
2. Fulfil your dreams
3. Care for your needs
4. Relate with the right God
5. Relate with the right people
Step 1:
Believe In Your Worthiness
Place your hands over your chest and say this out loud, “I’m a wonderful human being. I’m a beautiful person. I’m blessed. I’m equipped. I’m anointed. I’m talented. I’m loved. I’m prosperous. I’m generous. I’m wealthy in every way.”
Step 2:
Fulfil Your Dreams
This actually saved me.
I wasn’t very good with Step 1, “Believe In Your Worthiness”.
Do yourself a big favor. First, know your dreams. Second, go and reach for your dreams.
Why will this bless your relationships? Because once you honor your dreams, you’ll be able to honor the dreams of others too. You’ll encourage people in your life to grow.
Step 3:
Care For Your Needs
Go ahead. Write your own needs on a piece of paper. And see how you can honor them too.
Again, this simple act will bless your relationships because you can now serve people’s needs with a heart full of love, not neediness.
Step 4:
Relate To The Right Image of God
When you change your image of God, your relationships with others will change by leaps and bounds because you become like the God that you worship. If you worship a judgmental god, you’ll be judgmental too. But if you start worshipping a God of great compassion and love, you’ll (slowly) be like Him too.
Step 5:
Relate To The Right People
Remember: Needy people attract needy people.
So be careful with the people who enter into your life.
If you’re not careful, you may end up with an inappropriate number of what many authors call “Emotional Vampires”. These are people who suck out your love and joy. There are many kinds of Emotional Vampires: The Demanding. The arrogant and the self-righteous. The bitter. The unfaithful. The manipulative. Addicts. Parasites. Complainers. Critics.
Now that you’ve read all five actions, pick one.
Not two, or three, or four, or five.
Just one assignment from God for today.
1. Believe in your own worthiness
2. Fulfil your dreams
3. Care for your needs
4. Relate with the right God
5. Relate with the right people
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